To all those pitying Michael Chandler: NOTICE TO CEASE AND DESIST

Pursuant to Title 34 of the bro code.

To Whom it May Concern,

I represent the interests of Mr. Michael “Iron Michael” Chandler. If you are represented by legal counsel, please direct this letter to your attorney immediately and have them notify me of such representation.

The purpose of this letter is to inform you that any pity you may feel for Mr. Chandler infringes upon my client’s legal rights. Accordingly, you are hereby directed to

                                       CEASE AND DESIST ALL SYMPATHY.

Under Constitutional law, a subject in which my client is probably an expert, it is unlawful to feel sorry for a True Patriot. Furthermore, any such sentiments are felt against my client’s express wishes, to wit: “Don’t you dare disrespect me by feeling sorry for me. Don’t you dare disrespect me by having any kind of sympathy.”

These requests were made public on June the 17th, 2024 following the cancellation of a scheduled fight between my client and a certain Mr. Conor McGregor. Mr. Chandler sensed that his reputation as a role model and national hero was in jeopardy, and acted quickly to clarify that he was in no way deserving of sympathy, such sentiment being the sole province of women and other lesser beings.

Mr. Chandler is indeed a role model, a fact to which numerous focus groups can attest. In 2021, my client was chosen to speak on behalf of the Ultimate Fighting Championship in commemoration of Black History Month; a mark of considerable distinction considering that my client is white. My client felt himself aptly suited to this honor, having recently adopted an African American son who calls him “White Mike” behind his back. The occasion was well received by all non-woke media.

My client would like it to be known that at a later date he was personally “dapped up” by Messrs. Chris Curtis and Derrick Lewis, two African American athletes who actually competed on the night that Mr. Chandler addressed the Black Struggle. Furthermore my client invited both gentlemen to dine at his house, where Mrs. Chandler was expected to serve baked chicken breast.

Expressions of compassion, fellow-feeling, or empathy materially damage the reputation my client has worked so hard to maintain. Mr. Chandler is not above such sentiments, per se, but rather… beyond them. My client is eternal. My client believes that age is just a number, baby. Woo, let’s go. My client’s belief has the power to shape reality itself. The very warp and weft of time are woven by my client’s nimble fingers. My client is 38 but just had the best camp of his life.

Yet once again my client finds himself subject to spate of rampant pity following a rematch with Mr. Charles Oliveira at UFC 309. For 20 minutes, my client was subject to a beating that would make even the most coldhearted villain cry out for mercy; that much is true. However, to feel sorry for my client would be to ignore the remarkable comeback he staged in round five, which ought to definitively prove that with belief, determination, and a total disregard for the law, a man can do anything, up to and including dominating 20 percent of a fight.

My client is not a victim; indeed he is far more likely to be the perpetrator of a crime than the victim of one. Mr. Chandler is regarded internationally as one of the greasiest bastards in the game. So wide is the gap between my client’s undeniable desire to win and his equally profound inability to do so that Mr. Chandler has, on numerous occasions, been compelled to commit various deliberate fouls, to wit:

• gouging Mr. Charles Oliveira’s eyes at UFC 309

• grabbing the fence in order to gain a wrestling advantage over Mr. Oliveira

• repeatedly striking Mr. Oliveira on the back of the head with all the uncivilized savagery of a feral dog

• repeatedly striking Mr. Dustin Poirier on the back of the head at UFC 281

• sticking his fingers in Mr. Poirier’s mouth, i.e. “fish-hooking” in an attempt to expose his neck for a choke

• blowing his bloody nose into Mr. Poirier’s mouth (Note: Here Mr. Chandler wishes me to convey that he was personally unaware of the existence or nonexistence of any rule forbidding such an act at the time, but that he would have done it nevertheless, and would endeavor to do so again if given the opportunity. Furthermore Mr. Chandler wishes to commend Mr. Poirier on the admirable disregard for Mr. Chandler’s feelings he displayed when he described my client as “a dirty motherfucker.”)

• raking Mr. Justin Gaethje across the eye at UFC 268

The above is a brief and by no means exhaustive account of my client’s unscrupulous exploits. Further records will be made available via discovery in case of trial. I ask you, however, on the basis of this selection alone: are these the actions of a man who merits your sympathy?

Therefore, on behalf of my client, I demand that you immediately A) cease and desist your unlawful sympathy toward Mr. Chandler and B) provide me with written assurance within ten (10) days that you will never again regard Mr. Chandler, in any capacity public or private, with warmth, kindness, condolence, or any other manifestation of the innate human bond.

If you do not comply with this cease and desist demand within this time period, Mr. Chandler is entitled to use your failure to comply as evidence of “willful compassion” and seek damages. In the event you fail to meet this demand, please be advised that Mr. Chandler has asked me to communicate to you that “the lion does not concern himself with the opinions of sheep.”

In closing, I will leave you with the inspiring remarks made by my client following the fateful cancellation that first spawned this crisis of compassion.

“‘The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.’ Martin Luther King Jr. #UFC303”